How do you kill a girl’s sex drive? Marry her. —Anonymous
The woman had been plagued by loss of libido for the greater part of her 25 year marriage. She described her husband as an overall good man, but one that insisted on exercising authority over his wife, all the while neglecting to make her feel loved, cherished, and sexy. There was little to no intimacy. The emphasis was on her submitting. Sex was defined by his pleasure, not hers. He considered her diminished libido totally her problem; her fault. He even sent her to a sex therapist. Needless to say she was surprised when after her patriarchal husband experienced an untimely death, her sex drive re-emerged in overdrive. This was a true story.
A woman’s healthy sex drive is linked directly to her husband’s loving, masculine lead; diminishing drive to its abdication. As Karen Brody explains in Open Her*, "When you don’t lead yourself and your life or take the lead with the woman you love, you leave a vacuum of masculine leadership. That empty space feels unsettling to a woman, so she will step in. She’ll become directional and pointed. She’ll make the plans, tell you what to wear, choose your dentist, police your diet. And while you might think this is sort of a nice perk, I assure you she won’t want to devour you at the end of the day. Assigning a woman the role of taking care of you triggers a mothering instinct in her. This does not make her feel sexy or turned on; it makes her feel like your caregiver. You become a job, a responsibility –one of the children. It’s wonderful to be blessed by this aspect of a woman’s loving, but you don’t want it to be the primary way she relates to you. Women do not have sex with their children!"
Interestingly, BDSM practitioners in their erotic power-play seem to grasp this masculine-feminine dynamic better than many Christians. To the uninformed, what appears to be a “Dom” or dominant male abusing a “Sub” or submissive female, is in reality a performance at the request of the Sub. In BDSM, Subs are in control. The Dom only acts by permission. The Dom's careful and loving domination turns the Sub on. And while BDSM may seem strange to many, its play requires a high level of communication and intimacy, relational aspects critical to the female psyche. Patriarchy types who obsess over male authority in marriage would do well to take this to heart, for these are the same dynamics that should be at play in Christian marriages, but are often missing.
Are you turning your wife on? Are you focused on increasing her sexual pleasure even if it costs you yours? Are you riveted on building intimacy with your wife? Are you determined to learn how to open her? Studies suggest men experience three orgasms to women's every one. According to surveys, sexual satisfaction in marriage is much lower for women than men. And this is probably an understatement because it's the tendency of a women to judge her pleasure by her man's experience. Orgasm and pleasure inequality is probably much worse. The default in marriage is for sex to be man-centric, Christian or not. In Christian marriages women often endure this man-centricity in the name of submission, rationalizing that to expect anything better would amount to marriage idolatry. Sad.
The oft-repeated instruction in Holy Writ is for wives to submit to their husbands; not for husbands to exercise authority over their wives. A hot, harmonious, loving relationship can only come about with a consenting wife. The Dom is servant to his Sub. And, just as a Dom serves his Sub by acting Dom, husbands are to serve their feminine wives by acting masculine: providing solid direction, leadership, and passionate love. Robust masculinity is the only thing that will turn her on.
* OPEN HER: Activate 7 masculine Powers to Arouse Your Woman’s Love and Desire by Karen Brody